Hey all of this talk about that Mel Gibson movie about Jesus is giving me a wicked messianic complex. I am your son of god birthed to one catholic and one jewish parent in the absolute middle of the North American land mass. You can stop waiting. Your messiah is here. And he is listening to Guns 'n Roses. He is donating his body to science. When my holy powers manifest I will go to AA meetings and turn the water in the cooler into wine and force them all to repent in my name. Suckers! I will campaign on behalf of legalizing gay marriage and when all the over-65s in the polls who bring it down raise their voices in protest I will call forth a good, hard winter to thin the fuckers out. I will install Wyclef Jean as the president-for-life of Haiti. DO IT WYCLEF YOUR PEOPLE NEED YOU. I will feed the people of Iraq with a loaf of Wonder Bread and a never-ending can of Chicken of the Sea tuna. I will be your savior.

I will have twelve disciples and they will all be shorter than me and I will be betrayed by Dennis Kucinich when the cock crows three times. The NYPD will cold-smoke my ass one night and I'll go down in a flurry of buckshot. Lemmy and Danzig will continue on with my good works and then eventually my tale will be reborn as some fucked-up torture-porn epic conceived as a multi-media experience by some confused, empty-headed actor who thinks that he's bearing his own cross by making a movie about me in the land where I am considered by the vast majority of the population to be their number one homeboy.

I am your messiah. I am going to take radioactive drugs in eight hours. I am being paid handsomely for this. I WOULD DO IT FOR FREE.